I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
