With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
