What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
