I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
