Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize