I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
