The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
