You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
