I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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