Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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