Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
