All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
and you fell through a lawn chair
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
