I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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