Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
