My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
