I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I looked at my own cervix.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize