When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
