i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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