Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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