I wish I could teleport
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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