She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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