WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
