batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
