Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
