My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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