I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
3 2 1 whiskey
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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