The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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