The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
