I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
well you can't waste a boner
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
