i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize