Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
