why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I wish there were birth control emojis
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
