There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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