i just google imaged poop.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
