I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
