i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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