she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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