So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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