Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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