i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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