I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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