Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
