Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My vagina just clenched in fear
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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