The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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