I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
