Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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