billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
