I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
