Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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