she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
