I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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