It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
