i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
