I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
