I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
