Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
