9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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