Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He shit in the fireplace
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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