my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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