i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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